Made From Real Vegans! Skolcrod's Super Easy Vegan Hotsauce Recipe

Friday Fun #1

This is the first Friday Fun post of many coming this year. Not to be taken seriously. I hope you enjoy it!

We will return next week to my usual straight-laced, super-serious health posts with no humor, laughs, or fun whatsoever, so help me, dog.

Human Author’s Disclaimer:

I used to follow a 99% plant-based diet. I think aliens would choose organic vegans over other humans as a food source. This is a humorous piece. Humor is, by its nature, offensive to someone. If you are offended, I’m sorry (but not very)

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Hi again, fellow star travelers. It’s your favorite foodie from Kaoma Mundoni 9, Skolcrod. Have I got an update for you!

We all know how boring those ship-replicated rations can be. Technology just can’t recreate good old scrambly little animals that actually try to escape your maw. After traveling 8.35 light years with only dried fromblog podlings and bleem sandwiches for sustenance, we were all on the edge of mortiferous destruction. Thank the ancestors that we reached Earth and found its bountiful wildlife edible.

I know you’ve been going wild on all of those bovine delicacy retrieval missions and such. Keep those cow dissection missions rolling! But if you’re going to risk discovery on Earth, you want to make the most of it. Don’t eat those eyeballs, lymph nodes, and rectums without the perfect condiment.

I’m not happy with the sauces we had left on board. Frankly, if it were up to me, all of that Centaurian brain stem mustard could go in the disintulagrator.

I experimented with an old recipe my grandska passed down back at Kaoma Mundoni 9. I made a few substitutions based on local produce, and I think it’s even better than what old ‘ska used to dip his fromblogs in before mastication. Let’s get to it!

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Organic Ingredients

You need to start with the freshest, cleanest produce you can. A random sampling of humans pulled in for anal probing discovered just how contaminated the herd is.

That’s why I picked organic vegans. Not to be confused with those from planet Vega, these organic human vegans go out of their way to eat clean and live soft, low-stress lives. These factors make them sweet-tasting and noncarcinogenic. But where can you pick up organic vegans that haven’t been contaminated with Beyond Burgers?

It’s easier than you imagine. Just construct a Tofu Trap and set it in an area where vegans like to congregate, like a veg fest, organic farmer’s market, or yoga retreat. This live trap works so well that you might have to empty it two or three times a day! See the ship archive for details.

You will also need organic hot peppers. I prefer cayenne chili peppers, but you can use many varieties, such as ghost peppers or habaneros.

Finally, distilled vinegar. Since you will be going through quite a bit, I suggest raiding an earth factory to pick up at least 1000 Largos.

Don’t forget salt! I like the stuff we picked up at that ocean planet 200 aeras ago. Too bad we destroyed it utterly before we left, but its salt lives on in my tortulns! If you need to, you can make do with sea salt from Earth. They have it at Trader Joe’s or any supermarket.

Infusing the Produce

I’ll admit, when I first started playing with this hot sauce, I failed to infuse my vegans with much flavor at all. I tried force-feeding them hot peppers and vinegar for one week before processing, which added hardly any spice at all. Apparently, whatever they ingested was only processed and passed out in large quantities of excrement.

That smell was so hard on the droop snoot that I couldn’t stop discharging moist secretions. Unfortunately the batch went straight into the disintulagrator, but I still had plenty of vegans in the pantry.

My next try had a lot more kick to it. Here’s the instructions for some of the best hot sauce you have ever soaked your podlings in!

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Skolcrod’s Super Easy Instructions

In a large atmosphere-tight container, put 3 vegans, 100 Flantons of hot peppers, 20 common units of sea salt, and 200 Largos distilled vinegar. Then, place the container in darkness for 3 days. Stir once a day and put the cover back on. If any of the vegans are floating, weigh them down with a level three grav point to make sure they soak up enough vinegar.

After three days, run the whole batch through the molecular amalgamator and run my taste diagnostic and balancing program (located in the ship archive under Skolcrod/ taste balancer.) This will even out the delicate flavors and remove any toxins. Even with organic produce, carcinogens from Earth’s environment manage to get into everything!

I hope you give Skolcrod’s Super Easy Organic Vegan Hot Sauce Recipe a go. Reply to the mind cloud with your experience and we will mingle our thoughts! Live long and eat all other creatures and leave planets empty of life!