Learn Game-changing Substack Writing Secrets

Become the next big thing with the Wombat Method

Illustration by Author via Canva

Hi, everyone,

This is the Christmas Special Edition, for all you writers who want to know how it REALLY works.

I’m closing out the year with a bang and letting you in on all my secrets. How did I beat even Stephen King at a game he didn’t know he was playing? What money-making writer’s tricks let me pull in tens of dollars like a boss?

Forget niche writing. Go ultra niche.

Go wombat.

This ultra-niche way to get readers hooked is your golden ticket to retiring at age 28, even if you’re already 56!

I used to write about how to succeed in life, how to stay in shape, and what to eat. I used to write about meditation.

But you don’t want to read that. You’re bored with it.

You want wombats.

They’re starting a marsupial fighting championship.
It’s called Mortal Wombat.

So, dear reader who wants to be a world-famous writer. Wombats to the rescue!

If You’re a Writer, You Need To Digest Content Like a Wombat

It takes a wombat up to fourteen days to digest a meal. Sedges, grass, roots, and the souls of their enemies. It all goes into their stomachs. The groceries get churned up for almost two weeks.

This is how writers should feed their brains. Put essays, books, and other content into that brain of yours and let them percolate around like water dripping through a coffee maker. The thoughts will come out hot and ready. Your writing sessions will get a boost from all the brown, brewed brain food.

Watch out for junk when you feed your brain. Stay away from potato chips, donuts, Twilight Books, Fox News, and those addictive anti-Nazi notes.

“Sedge: a grasslike plant with triangular stems and inconspicuous flowers, growing typically in wet ground. Sedges are widely distributed throughout temperate and cold regions.” — Oxford Languages

Writers need to read, and read a lot. So get at it. Get those words in you!

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Writers Need To Learn How To Make Square Poo

Wombats poop out square blocks. No, really! Check it out at National Geographic: Why is Wombat Poop Cube-shaped?

You need to do this too. Stephen King has been shitting bricks for years. I’m sure you saw how thick that last edition of The Stand was. Encyclopedia thick.

Learn to poop like The King, or you’ll never win at writing. I know. I used to go to the bathroom the normal human way, and my stats sucked.

It was because I was pooping non-square poop like a loser who couldn’t write gud.

But only one week after learning to drop blocks, my writing went through the roof. The algoritithmic universe sensed my cubes and rewarded me with some square action! I knew right away that square poo was what was making my writing soar.

How to learn the cube-poo technique:

1. Find a wombat.

2. Watch and learn.

3. Practice, practice, practice.

If you can’t learn this important skill, you’re obviously not trying hard enough. How do you expect to be a famous writer if you can’t drop blocks?

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

This is Susan. She’s studying wombats so she can learn the cube-poo technique, and then she’ll be killing it on Substack. Wait and see. That is the satisfied smile of a cube-dropper.

Susan’ll keep pooping out square content on a regular basis, and she’ll live off the souls of her enemies just like her wombat friend.

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Writers Need To Learn Skull-Crunching Butt Defences

A wombat’s behind is one of nature's most perfect inventions. It can drop blocks, and it’s tough enough to crush the skulls of small enemies. But the pièce de résistance is using your own backside to plug off the entrance to your den.

Wombats go head-first into their burrow and wedge their big butt in the doorway. It’s mostly hair-covered cartilage and can take some real abuse. A predator could be out there scratching or biting the wombat’s butt and never get him to move.

Why is that marsupial holding a knife?
He’s being trained in close quarters wombat.

If you want to be a real writer, you need to toughen up that backside!

Benefits of a Wom-butt:

• Rejections from the public are meaningless when your back end is unbeatable.

• Extra padding helps you sit there typing for hours.

• You can crush the skulls of online trolls with your hard-ass replies.

• When you need a break, use your rear end to plug the entrance to your den and watch Netflix while the world burns.

So how do you toughen up that rear end and get your assets in shape? A mixture of Vaseline and olive oil, applied to your backside and hips. Watch this realistic, guaranteed-to-work, not-bullshit technique: How to Get a Bigger Butt and Hips in 7 Days No Exercise No Diet!

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Now you know the wombat secrets. All you need is time, Vaseline, and olive oil.

• Digest your sedge for at least ten days.

• Poop out some square content on a regular basis.

• Crush the skulls of your enemies with your backside money maker, harvest their souls, and use them to fuel your empire!