Bullshit Meditation Tips For The New-Age Impaired

Do this and you’ll be levitating rocks by next week

Jan 01, 2025

Want to start meditating cause that’s what all the cool kids are doing? Great! Follow the simple steps in this article, and you’ll be able to reach a state of supreme enlightenment within a week or two.

Before you begin, you want to know what’s in it for you, right? A solid daily meditation practice can give you all of these great things:

Control Anxiety
Locate lost socks
Lengthen your body parts
Regain past memories of university parties
Generate kindness for snakes
Radiate energy, peace, love, and odor
Attract piles of cold, hard cash-ola

Anyone can achieve these results, guaranteed!

All you need to do is follow the rest of my instructions exactly. If it doesn’t work out for you, don’t worry. You probably just didn’t do the steps in order, or maybe you didn’t try really, really hard. I know you can do it! I have faith in you. Give it another go.

Step 1: Spend Money on Stuff

You won’t be able to meditate without throwing money at this problem. Anyone that’s been around a while knows this.

You will need a high-quality meditation cushion, one made out of only the finest threads, hand-woven by the purest souls. You can find them on Amazon, but be careful. A pure soul didn't even look at anything less than $100.

Next stop is the clothing shop. Lululemon is a great choice. There’s no hope of making spiritual progress without the right meditation togs.

Without your special meditation clothes, you are nothing but a pretender who looks like a normal person. I recommend a special outfit to get after it. If you don’t know what to pick, just go with anything that is not on sale.

Next, tools of the mind trade. A few crystals and polished stones are great and will give you a little boost. But for full effect, you need Tibetan Singing Bowls. They’re expensive, so you need at least two. Trust me, you can’t meditate without some singing bowls. They’re imported and only sold in special spirituality stores, so you know they are from real authentic monks or something.

Finally, there is technology. You can start with a phone app and a subscription to a Silicon Valley genius for about $10 a month. Then, you can simply listen to the guided meditations. You can’t meditate without someone there to hold your mind’s hand 100% of the time!

But the big-ticket item is a meditation band that lets you know where your head is at. These hi-tech devices can measure your brainwaves and give you real-time feedback. All the monks use these in their monasteries.

You have a credit card, right? You’ll need it to afford this band, but it is so worth it.

Step 2: Try Really Hard

It’s vitally important to sit still without moving for at least an hour a day to start.

No scratching, fidgeting, or heavy breathing. Silent and deadly like a meditation ninja, or you won’t become enlightened.

The preferred position is the lotus, but half-lotus is okay if you can’t pull off full yet.

You might ask, “What position should I be in? Is sitting on a chair okay? Can I lie down to meditate?”

These are good questions. I’d like to tell you that your position doesn’t matter.

But truthfully, you need to be in lotus position or you might as well forget it. It’s impossible to meditate properly while sitting on a chair because your chakras will be all wonky.

Only guru-approved meditations in lotus and half lotus will let you attune to the heavenly spheres. Anything else is just wasting your time.

Step 3: Stop Thinking

The goal of all meditation is to eliminate thoughts. There’s nothing easier. Just don’t think. If you accidentally start thinking, stop yourself.

If you can’t stop thinking, it must be something you’re doing wrong. Are you in the lotus position? Did you put on your special clothes? Maybe you aren’t trying hard enough. Really concentrate and push through the thinking. Get that Tibetan Singing Bowl, wear your magic meditation headband, and just do it.

If you’ve done everything and you just can’t seem to find enlightenment yet, don’t despair. You don’t have that missing ingredient to make it all come together: the Guru.

Step 4: Get A Professional Guru

Don’t skimp on your guru! Stay away from amateurs.

How can you spot a fake guru? The more interesting his or her robes, the more in tune with the universe they are.

Another big tip-off: amateur gurus don’t charge the steep Hollywood rates.

You get what you pay for in the meditation world. If money isn’t changing hands, you’re on the wrong path to enlightenment.

He will ask you to do crazy things, like walking on coals or donating all of your possessions to him. You might wonder, am I being taken advantage of?

No.

This is his job, to ask you to break through your boundaries and grow as a person. Your things are just holding you down.

You have to trust your guru. He knows the divine plan. If the universe wants him to get all of your things, who are you to argue?

The Bottom Line: Meditation Will Make You Rich

Money and spiritual awakenings go hand in hand.

Once your guru gets you to enlightenment, you won’t care how much it costs. Piles of cold, hard cash will drop right into your hands when you get to the next level, and your manifesting abilities kick in.

If there’s one thing that all successful meditators can tell you, it’s how rich they are now that they perfected their practice.

And how much they’ve lengthened their body parts.

Okay, now you have everything you need to meditate like a pro. What are you waiting for? Let’s get enlightened!