5 Unfit and Unusual Uses For Dumbbells
If you aren’t going to lift, make that iron pay for itself
Hi there friend,
Apologies for the last month. I’ve been so busy with my IRL job that I decided to put writing on the back burner, and reserve the small amount of spare time for self-care. I worked an insane amount of hours, and I’ll write about that soon.
This post isn’t serious, but I bet you can relate. Who hasn’t brought home some sort of fitness gear and left it sitting there after only a few uses?
When we all got locked down and trapped at home, a lot of us bought weights for our home gym. It was a buying frenzy. We picked up dumbbells, kettlebells, stretchy elastic bands, and exercise mats. The store was sold out of every weight set.
We signed up for online classes, watched workout videos, and used them like there was no tomorrow.
Then, tomorrow arrived.
Motivation waned. Inertia set in. We stopped using our fitness gear.
Now, many of these exercise items are just lying around collecting dust. It’s a sad state of affairs, but that gear is a sunk cost. There’s no returning a used, sweaty dumbbell.
A man places a dumbbell on the Customer Service Counter at Whelpmart:
“I’d like to return this.”
“What’s wrong with it, sir?”
“Can you see the dust on it? It hasn’t moved since I bought it. What a waste of money. It just sits there, all dumb and stuff.”
“I’m just trying to troubleshoot the difficulty, sir, but… Have you tried doing a workout with it?”
“Haahahahahaha! No.”
Try out these 5 unfit and unusual ideas for using dumbbells, kettlebells, and other home fitness gear in your home instead of letting them sit in the garage beside the cardboard box the TV came in two years ago.
Disclaimer: I accept zero responsibility for your decisions, especially if they include jail time! As a person reading this, you are hereby full of blame for anything you do afterward, and I am empty of blame. DO NOT play mean pranks on your significant other, no matter what I suggest. Also, do not tie up children or smash people in the head with fitness equipment.
1. Door Stoppers
Do you have a door that keeps swinging shut when you really need it open? Plant that kettlebell in front of it. Problem solved!
Every time you go by, pick up the kettlebell and get in your daily swings. Your doorstop is now doubling as a mini gym break.
Watch out if it’s a glass door, though. One tap with a big iron ball, and it’s all over but the crying, bleeding, and cleanup.
2. Home Defense
It’s dangerous to keep a loaded gun by the bed or landmines under the welcome mat.
But!
You can put your dumbbells wherever you want. Leave one of these by the door for quick response in case of a home invasion.
Twenty pounds of solid steel to the cranium is gonna leave a mark!
Make sure you positively identify that intruder before you slam him upside the head. If he isn’t about to cause you bodily harm, this will be a ticket to that funhouse with bars and doors locked from the outside.
Bonus idea: Every time you enter or leave the house, pick up that dumbbell and do a few reps. Keep your home defense item handy, and you'll meet your exercise goals, too.
3. Cat Tree Anchors
If your cat has a wobbly cat tree, don’t wait for her to tip it over and slam into the floor. Cats only have nine lives. Don’t let her waste a life pancaking herself just so you can film it for Tic Tok. Plunk down a few of those weight plates to stabilize that sucker.
You never know. Maybe your kitty will get in a few reps when you aren’t looking. Cats love pumping iron!
4. Makeshift Restraints
Those exercise elastics can come in handy for all sorts of escapades. Think outside the box:
Bedroom games
Hostage situations— I’m not sure who you are holding hostage. Who am I to judge? I’m just telling you how to tie them up. What, you said zip ties? Amateur. The bands work better.
Need to question captured spies. Again, I don’t know your life. How exactly are you using the bands on Jason Bourne? Hopefully around the wrists and ankles, not the neck.
Small children that won’t sit still. Yup, no judgment. Okay, maybe a little judgment. Have you tried handing them your phone or something? That usually works to get them quiet without the need for restraints.
Tying damsels to train tracks. Boy, can I read a crowd or what? You people are killing me here. I gotta say, this is a bad idea, but the bands WOULD do the job.
Wow, all of these ideas sound super sketchy. Don’t use any of these unless you’re a spy or a serial killer. Move on, regular folks.
5. Toe Crushing Traps For The Significant Other
Do you have it in for your wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend? Have they been on your hit list ‘cause they made you watch Marvel movies and Presidential debates? Here’s a passive-aggressive way to get even. Leave your weights in the right spot and wait for them to stub a toe. Payback’s a beotch!
Ideal locations:
End of the bed
Hallway by the bathroom
Set one down behind them as they look in the closet
You can snigger as they stumble over solid iron. Just be ready to endure the wrath and screaming that will follow. I’m sure they will get over it and maybe even love you again someday.
6. Bonus Tip: Paperweights
Who doesn’t have loose paper causing a problem these days, amiright? If you have a lot of papers, and they just won’t stay put, don’t waste your money on a paperweight. Put a dumbbell on top.
You can grab that weight between important work tasks and get in your reps. It’s a win-win.
Warning: Never drop a dumbbell on a PDF. It’s hard on electronics. Trust me on this one. I had some PDFs blowing around because I had a fan by the desk, and, well, let's just say things got ugly.
Wrapping up
You should use those dumbbells for something! The best choice would be to make something of yourself by lifting the iron repeatedly.
You don’t get the ass you want by sitting on it.
If you want some ideas for using those dumbbells or for plenty of other effective workouts, check out Adam at Artfully Exercising. He can give you much safer uses for exercise equipment.
And he only suggests legal stuff, which is a bonus.
Do you have any alternative uses for weights that I didn’t think of? Let me know!
Glad you're back, Tim! I hope you can get a bit of respite and maybe a personal trip or three in this summer!
I've actually had a dream were I was defending myself from an intruder by swinging a kettlebell at their nether region.
Your suggestions jogged my memory and spurred a certain marketing thought. First, similar to your cat tree stabilizer idea, I do see kettlebells being used at the local farmer's market to hold down the tent. I'd like to imagine that in between planting, nurturing and harvesting, these farmers are doing some swings, squats and cleans. Maybe even farmer's carries, which would be too on point.
Second, the paperweight idea is quite brilliant to market to gym owners and personal trainers. Running a business and having lots of clients might mean that the paperwork piles up. I think that marketing fitness themed paperweights would be a nice fit, albeit a niche market.
So nice to have you back, Tim. This post was certainly a grand reentry attempt 😂😂